Brendan Morgan's story

Brendan’s story is about an engineer named Roger whose life has been spent alone; however, from urging from his sister and friends, he decides to partner with a girl, Kristine, before he ends up alone for the rest of his life. He seems more interested in a fantasy life with his guy friends than meeting someone special. The change in Roger is when he decides to leave his hard exterior behind and take Kristine as his girlfriend. I like the emphasis on his career and mindset. His characterization was evident through dialogue and back story. I also enjoyed Kristine’s character, although I wish she was more active in the story. Besides the beginning, she always gets paired with Lyla and it is hard to separate the two. I would have liked to know more about his relationship with his sister, as well as a little more reaction from her about his new relationship. There were a few grammatical errors: wrong uses of words, some awkward word usage, and a few repetitive dialogue lines. I wish Roger would say “no problem” or “it’s no problem” much less than he does; this is an easy fix. The zombie survival idea is also not explained much, which I am interested in. Why do these characters feel the need to do this? Is Kristine genuinely interested or only attends because she’s interested in Roger? Building up the tension between Kristine and Roger would also be a nice affect. Also, there are only a few short lines on Roger’s family history, especially his parents’ ruined marriage. Perhaps more on this could further explain his outlook on relationships. I think this story has great potential.

"The Lotus"

“The Lotus” is a short story about a girl named Kira who is stuck in a sticky situation with a taken man. I’ve heard the stories about a girl messing around with a guy; however, Ryan is taken by a girlfriend who lives far away. After wise words from her mother, Kira realizes she needs to give Ryan up and let him go live with his girlfriend. Coincidently, Ryan’s explanation of Kira’s middle name reminds her that she deserves better. She decides to take charge of her life, knowing that friends and family stay while men come and go. I enjoyed the relationship between the three girlfriends. I understand the stubbornness as well as the care that goes into trying to tell a friend she needs to leave a guy. I also like the end of the coffee shop scene because real friends never leave angry, no matter what words were said. The description of the lotus flower was in-depth and helped back the story. Also, the dialogue with Kira’s mother was very realistic and believable. My main problem with the story is the ending. I like that Kira decides to forget about Ryan; however, I wanted a scene where she still answered the phone but told him everything she never was brave enough. Perhaps he would call her saying he chooses her and she turns him down. I felt like the ending was a little too clean. Also, there were some mild grammar problems: not moving a different person speaking to a new line, some left-out articles, etc. However, those are easy fixes. I also would maybe like to see the change in Kira more evidently, as well as her realization and how it affects her friendships. Perhaps some dialogue with her girlfriends or mother would show this. Just some suggestions!

"Oscar Frances and the Eternal Sadness"

I really enjoyed “Oscar Frances and the Eternal Sadness.” As I was reading, I kept thinking about how similar this story sounded to the short stories we’ve read in our anthology- great job, Andy. The story is about a man named Henry who settled for a normal life with a wife named Kim and a son named Casey. His life is extremely ordinary and mundane; throughout the entire story he keeps remembering the love of his life, Zoe. I thought Andy was very clever opening the story with the book Henry had never read. After a very jarring dream of every girl he’d ever cared about minus Zoe, Henry decides to share moments of youth with the young employee at his garage and finally reads the book. Andy wrapped up the story nicely by having Henry open the book at the end of the story, only to find Zoe’s engagement question. The end of the story broke my heart. The reason Henry broke up with Zoe was the distance; however, he finds out she would have moved for him. The details in this story are downright amazing. The transitions to back story are smooth and flowing; everything makes sense. I really don’t know how to criticize this piece because it is far above my writing standards. Every aspect of short stories is executed here: characterization, external and internal conflict, and setting. This story is completely and totally believable; the end has a twist but isn’t a huge BANG! It’s subtle and knocks you quietly to your knees. Overall, a really amazing story.

"The Dreamer"

Overall, I really liked “The Dreamer.” At first, I thought it was going to be another school story with the jock, the rebel, etc. However, on page two, the murder of the main character’s father throws a wrench into the plot. We are able to see deeper into the lives of this character and his mother, as well as Debbie with her backstory. By the end, the reader realizes that Mr. Bland killed the bad men in the town and tried to save Jack’s father as well as find his killer and bring him to justice. Turns out, the man with the boring name is an undercover vigilante. My favorite part of the story was probably Mr. Bland’s name. Obviously, it implies boredom and plainness. However, his character seems very wise: having a statue of Justice in his office, always giving advice, and keeping order at the school in a reasonable way. His character seems very level-headed and mature. This was a story which I found myself liking more than one character (shocking). I liked Jack, Scott, Jack’s mother, and Mr. Bland. However, my biggest problem, even though it is small, is the way Jack found the note. I think it’s a little clichéd to have a secret room/space with a symbol denoting its entrance, as well as a little unbelievable in the real world (not Hollywood). Perhaps the main character could find the note in a different way. Also, toward the beginning there were some shift tenses; because the writer wrote most of the story in the near past, I suggest switching the few sentences of present tense to the near past. Otherwise, I think the dialogue is interesting and the story never got boring for me! Good job.

"All Smiles"

First off, whoa… this story really did blow me away. The main character, Alec, is in desperate need for money and agrees to assist a man that a complete stranger named Matt told him he could trust. Matt’s smile is what wins Alec over. The encounter with the man is very unsettling; he is not only creepy and sketchy, but also vague about the details of the job Alec will be doing. Alec zones out and agrees to a deal he never even heard. I think this adds to the WHOA factor at the end of the story when the reader actually finds out what Alec will be doing for the man. The dialogue was superb; the reader could really understand the essence of the mystery man from what he says. The buildup is great; the speed is steady and I never got bored or wondered what the point of the story was. I felt as though all would be revealed in the end. I think my main problem with the story is the feeling I’m left with after the end. I kind of like it, but I also don’t at the same time. I left feeling a bit confused, like I just received a blow. I like that. However, I don’t know if the writer meant to be as vague about the ending as it is. Nothing is completely specified other than his explicit job, and it is not even explained how he is supposed to carry this job out. Perhaps the writer did this to mirror Alec’s confusion throughout the story. I love that the title is brought up throughout the story, as well as mirrored in the end- the mentioning of the smiles in this way ties the story together nicely.

Babcia's Will

For those in my workshop group yesterday, if you forget to bring my short story back to me with markups, feel free to comment on this post to tell me what you liked and what I need to work on! I feel like my story might be a little too short and end too abruptly; if you agree, please help me revise to make this better!

"New Identities"

“New Identities” is a short story about a high school outcast who moves to another school and changes identities. He changes his personality to fit in with the “in crowd” and goes against his true identity. The consequences of this decision lead to leaving him in the hospital with a friend dead, and a guilty conscious the size of Texas. Obviously, the writer wanted to convey the idea that changing who you are just to fit in with a certain crowd is wrong and will end up badly. The main character, Gavin, realizes his mistake at the end of the story. However, he has this realization at a heavy cost. The idea of the story is very evident; the writer did a good job of conveying this message. I liked the part of the rumor of Brad drawing Japanese characters on his notebook; to me, this was the most specific image given in the story. A couple of things really stood out to me. The first major issue I had with the story is the school scenes. Almost all of them are clichéd: the bully tripping the nerd, the boy spreading a rumor about someone being gay. I feel like the writer could have made these scenes a bit fresher and could have been more creative with them. The second issue I had is with the idea of the story. I understand the message the writer is conveying; however, the assignment said not to have a moral of the story or a bigger message. This left me a bit confused. Since it is a plot we have heard before, I kind of knew how the story would end: the main character realizes his mistakes and decides to stay true to himself.